It’s another year, another round of hand wringing about resolutions having eaten too much cake.

Now, after all air kissing, all-round spreading of germs and polluting of emails with insincere wishes for prosperity and happiness for fellow mankind, do you know what you want to do?

Are you in some foreign country, having bought the pre/post-christmas, post-31 december cut rate fares? Are you wandering, hand-in-hand with your beloved (or someone else’s) amidst the fountains and gardens of foreign land, refusing to admit that you have to return to a shitty economy?

Or are you hard at work, scheming schemes for the new financial year?

Have you asked your favorite astrologers about what 2012 holds in surprise? You had better do this quickly. Who better to ask than someone who is omniscient? Omniscient means he knows everything – absolutely everything, including Raakhee Sawant’s bra size.

Have you decided to reject the Mayan predictions? Because if you don’t, then there’s little point in planning.

Personally, i don’t believe the mayan calendar ends in 2012. I think the goats ate the rest of it.

Too proud to admit it was a mistake, the mayan astrologer decided to make up this end-of-the-world thing and gave everyone points to ponder.

Cigarettes cause cancer. Sugar causes diabetes. Farting cattle cause global warming. Eating cattle causes heart disease. Sex causes everyone to become jealous.

So, tip of the hat to the mayans, crack open a ciggie, pour yourself a double, dig into a rare sirloin and covet thy neighbour’s wife. Or thy neighbour. You’ll die but you’ll be fat, drunk, envied and incurably diabetic.

That’s how we can all put the happy in Happy New Year.

– Manmeet Singh Bhatia